Shall I let you in on an advice that is very far-fetched?
It’s the one where someone tells a person that’s in love with another to simply STOP and end what they have with the person because it’s haram or wrong. I say its far-fetched because it’s like telling a hungry lion that’s slowly making its way towards you to stop because although you are food for him to eat, you are in fact poisonous so it’s better for it to change its course.
Unfortunately telling it to STOP is not enough to send it away because it is blinded and strongly driven by its hunger. Except you have a magical voice that can compel anyone and anything to do whatever you say then please feel free to discard what I just said.
I tell you even when driving, you have to step on the break pad to slow the car down before it comes to a final stop.
Now please don’t get me wrong I’m not saying a haram relationship cannot be ended. It can and In Sha Allah if you’re reading this and currently in one you will be able to put a final stop to it as soon as possible. What i’m trying to say is that emotions are not switches you can easily turn on and off. When advising someone to put an end to a relationship that they are very much into, people often forget that there are two things you have to put an end to or should I say two processes: the one where you put a physical barrier (stop) between you and the person and there’s the emotional one. There’s one you can put an immediate stop to and there’s the other that requires more time but they are both inevitably linked that if you can achieve one, you can attain the other. Also note if you’re ending the relationship for the right reasons, as crazy and in love as you think you are with this person, you’ll be surprised at how easy and not impossible it is to stop the relationship as well as get over the person.
My question now is which is easier to stop the physical or the emotional one? To be honest none is easier but lets work with the one we have some control over and that’s the physical tie we have to the person.
If you know you are in a haram relationship or a voice in your mind is telling you you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing, the honest and simple truth is that you have to put and end to it. Let me make myself very clear…I’m not saying you should put an end to the ‘haram things’ you guys do and continue with the relationship/dating; there is no such thing and I will not advice that. What I am saying is that you should put an end to the relationship as a whole.
Why? Well first if you read my halal dating post, then you’d know that there’s no such thing as halal dating. So cut yourself from it and not fall into shaytan’s trap once more. However if both of you were ignorant and did not know better but are sincerely repentant and want better for the two of you; that is keeping the interest between the two of you halal then head over to that post and read the very useful guide and safe tips.
The second reason you won’t get another answer from me other than ‘end the relationship as a whole’ is because it’s impossible to change the foundation of a house and continue to build on top of what you previously had. Lets be frank with each other…you agree with me that all haram relationships are entered into for the wrong reasons; pure pleasure. That was the key foundation of the relationship, so you can’t somewhere in the middle say you want to change that key foundation into something else…especially into something that’s the opposite of why you both began the relationship.
The chances of converting a haram relationship into a halal one is almost impossible and I don’t trust that method of creating a relationship that’s very conscious and aware of Allah. It is because the foundation of the relationship is weak and its status will change many times in the future; by this I mean your relationship will fluctuate between good and bad several times.
So if you have entered into a haram relationship you have to leave it immediately…no modification can be made because the foundation is bad so whatever you build on top will be wasted effort.
I hope I’ve convinced you or given you enough reasons to want to end the relationship as a whole. Shaytan will do anything to keep you in the relationship and tell you things like you can still be with him if you just stop doing whatever you guys do when the truth is you won’t and that is because you are still with him. A hungry lion will always go for his food and the best way to not eat the food is to stay away from it and not feel hungry…or just fast and wait till the right time you can eat. If you want to fast but don’t know how to fast go and read the halal dating post.
Now how do you get out of a haram relationship? I on the other hand won’t just tell you to end it or maybe quote some verses of the quran and expect you to easily follow up on my advice. As a matter of fact if you do I’ll be very very surprised and impressed if I might add.
In order to successfully get out of a haram relationship, it is very important to pass through the following stages:
- Intention Stage: why are you leaving the relationship? Is it because mummy or your older brother said so? The sheikh? He cheated? You got tired? You have to have the right intention and the right intention is that you are leaving it to please Allah swt; to strengthen and rebuild your connection with Him and be a better muslim. Let the reason you are doing this be imbedded in your mind because it will help you remain steadfast in the future and believe me if you leave for any other reason except Allah you’ll end up in the same messy situation sometime later. After the right and strong intention is established ask Allah for forgiveness for all that you have done. He is Ar Rahman and Ar Raheem; He will lovingly forgive and guide you. Allow your soul return to the home it loves best because “verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find peace” (13:28)
- Quit stage: This is where you communicate to your partner that you no longer want to continue with the relationship and that he should not contact you. You have to sound firm and serious. If you wish you can explain to them that you are on a journey; you want to get closer to Allah and that the kind of relationship you have with him/her is going to hinder things for you and the thing you guys have is a massive barrier between you and your Rabb. If the person respects your decision and you guys end things amicably great. If on the other hand you get a bad reaction (the most likely reaction) from the person then you know what you’ve got to do… stay as far and clear away as you can from that person and run to Allah.
- Erasing stage: This is simple delete EVERYTHING. Erase all the photos, numbers, the messages, the emails, the voicenotes, the videos, the backups…everything you have that can re-link you to that person. Get rid of that sweatshirt or anything you have that can remind you of that person. The old conversations…I can’t stress how deadly those things are please delete them all. You can never tell what state or mood you will be in when you stumble upon them in the future. Remember it was how everything started between you two, don’t fall for it again. Don’t replay or entertain yourself with the loving memories before going to sleep at night; this stage requires some mental effort also. Force some other image into your head…red bananas, a happy Voldemort, bed of clouds, recite an ayat in the quran, remember the things Allah has done for you…anything would suffice. By doing all this you are purifying yourself physically and mentally from the person.
- Feeling stage: Let it all out. Cry for as long as you want just let all the pain spill out of you but do this only to Allah. Speak to him. Allah is the best of listeners and He is all knowing; he knows exactly how you feel…he knows that spot in your heart that hurts the most. If you speak to someone else the most they can do is feel sorry for you. They can never truly understand how you feel. Allah sees and hears you. He loves you and knows you are going through all of this for His sake. Every drop of tear for him, know He will multiply and return to you in the form of pure happiness and blessings. Just know you are not alone in this, Allah is right there for you and closer to you than your jugular vein. Just be patient and it will all go away.
- Moving on stage: This is the stage where you are done crying and feeling miserable. You feel light and free and the air smells fresher, the sun feels warmer the foods tastes nicer. You feel great and know that Allah has got you. We are all gifted with something, go find your passion and invest your time and emotions in that. Take very good care of yourself; go have lunch with your friends, go swimming, plan a trip somewhere, have a picnic with your family, finish that project that’s been pending, dress nicely, volunteer, exercise, read Quran. Just be kind to yourself and be happy and find comfort in knowing that wonderful things lay ahead.
There’s just one thing I’ll like to add and it’s that your heart is much stronger than you think it is.
Have a blessed week and catch you in my next post In Sha Allah! xo