She wet her face with the frosty water and stared at her cold reflection in the mirror.

Happiness, she can’t remember what that tasted like.

Her rosy lips grew purple and her mouth was crisp as cotton.

Left to feed on the scraps of happiness that once overflowed.

The ghost of her past visited her in her sleep every night and would play the wicked game of ‘what was and what could have been’.

An intoxicating feeling that sent thrills down her spine. The warm liquid that flowed through her veins reminded her of sunshine basking a bare skin, but most times the warmth was quick to spread and scorch the layers of her tender skin. How much it burns the core of her soul. Inferno.


She tightened her grip on the sink.

Breathe! She willed her body once more.

She parted her lips and allowed the memories to fill her up inside.

Fear slowly encroached her heart, as her chest began to rise and fall like the sea.

She suddenly felt her heart drop, her life support has been cut; she could no longer feel her pulse.

A foul smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she stared deeper into the eyes of her reflection. A cold and dark abyss…she searched deeper but not a trickle of light she could find. She pressed her eyes shut, they were a clear window into the land of the dead. Doom.


Her knees buckled.

The weight of the world appears to have been misplaced on her shoulders. How much longer does she have to bear this burden?

The day and the night breezes past her. Has it been four days, four months or four years since she visited the only home she’s ever known, loved and felt safest in?

She drops to her knees, feeling lost and misdirected in her own life. Where lies her refuge?

A journey down left would lead her down the path to her deepest and darkest desires.

A right turn and she will arrive at a junction where moving forward, she must decide to swim with the sharks and become a sacrificial lamb.

The journey ahead was equally terrifying; unknown and wrapped with her greatest fears and worries. Purgatory.


Her body tilted towards the ground with her cheeks pressed cold to the tiles.

She felt a soft flutter in her chest…it had the rhythm of hope.

A closer listen to her heart and she can hear the beckoning of a name that had caused her heart to ripen to the fullest. A name that maddened the minds and souls of men. A name that caused the temple of her body to tremble. A name with the meaning of life and death. A name she turned her back on more than twice and is forced to make peace with. Deuces.

One thought on “Saudade

  1. Hasiya i have questions after reading the piece. Did she die, was she dead already or did something within her die? Was it suicide? Why didn’t she share her thoughts with any other person apart from her reflection?


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