Since I got married a lot of my friends and family have been curious as to what my first time was like. I respond by telling them the most common answer; which is it was awkward and painful.
I’ll be upfront by saying that before I got married I possibly imagined what losing my virginity would be like a thousand times, but absolutely nothing prepared my husband and I for the experience that was to come. I regretted and wished my parents had sat me down much earlier to have the awkward sex education talk. I understand the sensitivity surrounding the topic of sex and its details in an African home, but sex education is something that is very VERY important, and I strongly urge all parents to have the talk with their kids when they mature.
I promise to keep my words 100% real and this post is nowhere supposed to be an erotic or entertaining read. It’s an educative one; I will be shedding light on some things I was completely ignorant about and I’d also like to contribute to the very limited information that is out there concerning first- time experiences for couples who marry as virgins.
That said this post is dedicated to every female or male that may find themselves in the same position as my husband and I at the time we got married. It’s not a common thing in this day and age for couples (and even more so for a man) to get married as a virgin. What is more customary is for one of the couple (usually the female) to marry as a virgin or both couple get married as non-virgins. In the case of the former situation, what usually happens is that the experienced couple will take the lead and guide the other that isn’t experienced and make the experience less awkward and challenging…but what if you find yourself in a situation where both of you are virgins and inexperienced? I’ll be the first to break it to you that r rated movies, adult themed shows and books like 50 shades of grey do not cut it and will not provide the answers that you may be looking for.
On the other hand, I would like for you to understand that everyone’s experience is different. Thus, your experience may be the complete opposite of what mine was but just in case yours turn out to be the same as mine…here is me giving you the heads up of what is to come and hopefully you can better prepare yourself for an unforgettable experience.
So, let’s get straight into it!
- Invest in xylocaine jelly (anaesthetic lotion). Subhanallah losing your virginity as a girl can be extremely PAINFUL. I used to pride myself of having a high pain threshold, but my strength failed me completely when the time came for me to break my hymen. The pain is something I’m yet to get over and it’s been 3 months. I’m not trying to scare you by disclosing the fact that I shed a few tears, but you really have to summon the strength from wherever you can to accommodate him. My hymen did not fully give way until after two weeks of trying and I strongly believe it was with the help of the xylocaine jelly (that my sister in law thankfully slipped into my hands on the first night), which serves to numb the pain but wallah I still felt the unbearable pain with every attempt. So, it’s best to have the xylocaine jelly on standby because you honestly don’t know how tight you are or how big your husband is until the time comes for both of you to have intercourse. Now, I know some of you may find this amusing but I couldn’t walk well for two weeks because of the pain and I hated having to pee because it stung so much and brought tears to my eyes each time. The experience was far from nice or fun and at that point I hated everything to do with sex and didn’t want to try again, but I endured for the sake of my partner who was extremely patient and encouraging throughout the dis-pleasurable period.
- Not all cherries pop on the first try. I laugh at movies and books like twilight, whereby in the breaking dawn sequel Bella got married and lost her virginity in the first night. I was very much misguided into thinking sex would happen during my first try. As I mentioned earlier my husband and I kept trying for two weeks and we didn’t successfully have sex until after two weeks; the time my cherry decided to pop. I’m disclosing this fact simply because I want you and your husband to manage your expectations and bear in mind that the time varies for everyone; some people get to have sex on their first try and others not so much. For example I got to learn about some other person’s experience and she mentioned her hymen didn’t break until after a month of trying! She explained that the pain was so much for her that they stopped trying for two weeks. The third week they started making a little progress but whenever the pain got unbearable she would push her husband away but alas her hymen broke after a month and it wasn’t until then that they started having sex. So, you see everyone’s hymen is different. If you are lucky your hymen may be quick to break and you get to start having sex early in the marriage (i.e your first try) but know that some hymens are more stubborn and will require more time to pop (depending on the person’s tightness and pain threshold). I understand some of my virgin Muslim brothers are super excited and can’t wait to start having sex with their wife. However, if your wife is like me you are going to have to be extra patient and find other ways to satisfy your sexual desires, if you don’t want to cause some serious harm to your wife.
- No Sex without lubrication. Lubrication is very important in order for both parties to enjoy sex. A lubricated vagina makes it easier for the penis to penetrate and reduces any painful friction that may lead to injury or irritation. A woman’s vagina naturally lubricates itself when its aroused but a number of thing could cause the vagina to become dry; when her mind is not in sync with her body due to overthinking, lack of interest, fatigue, excessive fear & worry or some other unknown condition that is not allowing her sex to lubricate naturally. We all can agree that the first night for every lady is scary (you don’t know what to expect – is sex something you will even enjoy? Does your body look sexy enough? How bad will the pain be?). A million thoughts creep into your mind and without you knowing or meaning for it to happen, your body locks up instead of letting lose. This will prevent your sex from lubricating well enough and cause penetration to be extra difficult and your first few experience to be extra painful. If you find that your body is locking up rather than letting lose or you simply don’t want to over rely on your vagina to provide you with a seamless experience, you and your husband may want to have a back up plan to have in stock and to make use of a personal lubricant. The good thing is if you buy the xylocaine jelly, you won’t need to buy a lubricant because the jelly also acts as a lubricant. Otherwise, the guy should make sure he has purchased a few lubricants; which are available for purchase in many pharmacy stores and off the counter drug stores and supermarkets.
- Tear or no tear prepare for the blood bath! For some strange reason I always felt that I would be one of the ladies that didn’t bleed on their first night or would spot just a little. Boy I’ve never been more wrong about myself; I bled so much and for a long time that I worried that perhaps I had a tear and it was why peeing was even more painful. I bled non-stop for 2 weeks and had to wear a pad for the whole period. Nobody warned me it could be that bad. I mean two weeks of bleeding? It was quite embarrassing…in my mind I was like okay okay we all know you’re a virgin but can you stop with the bleeding now? I reasoned the bleeding didn’t stop cause the hymen wasn’t fully broken and with each try, the hymen would only break a little more and leave its traces. So if you are a bleeder like me stay clear of white lingerie and have a few packs of sanitary pad with you. If you are guy and blood is something that scares you or causes you to be dizzy, I’m afraid this situation will be very challenging for you but be reassured that the bleeding will eventually stop.
- Your body will react to you loosing your virginity. This revelation was the hard blow I received and did not see or sense coming at all. I was ignorant of the fact that if you are a virgin and you have sex for the first time, your body will respond to the unknown/ strange thing that is happening to your body in a number of different ways. I mean I’ve seen movies on the african magic channel and heard stories of how a father or a mother can sense that their female child was no longer a virgin, but I always felt it was perhaps the change in the girl’s walk that gave the truth away or a ‘father or mother’s intuition’. On the contrary, some subtle or big changes will actually be made to your body after you start having sex. How did my body respond to the change? I BROKE OUT like my face was the holiday for pimples! I honestly slept one night and woke up the next day to see something that looked like red rashes on my face. I assumed I was having a bad reaction to something I ate and told myself I had nothing to worry about; if it was a reaction it would go away after 24 hours latest. I even took some piriton pills. The next morning instead of waking up to a clear face, I noticed that the rashes were becoming more permanent on my face and slowly turning into pimples. With every day that passed my face got worse and I was confused as to what was happening. Nothing had changed; I was still using my standard face products, followed my normal morning and night face wash routine and ate well. It was heart-breaking and I was in a low mood for a long time because I wasn’t confident in my skin and didn’t feel beautiful at a time I felt I was supposed to be the most beautiful for my partner. Back then I did not know that sex was the reason I was breaking out because I silently stressed about it, spent an embarrassing amount of money on new skincare products and booked expensive skin consultations and facial appointments. Little did I know that my body was still fighting/adjusting to the change and until it realizes that the change was there to stay and wasn’t an unknown and unwelcome visitor, I won’t stop breaking out on my face. It was my cousin that first broke the news to me. When I returned from our honeymoon and she saw my face her immediate question was ‘Ahan Altine why are you breaking out so much?’ I heaved a sigh and told her I had no idea and it was extremely frustrating. A few seconds later she laughed and was like of course it’s cause you are having sex now. I was so confused; how did a conversation about my pimples jump to the topic of sex? She explained that every body reacts different…some people break out, some peoples face clear out and they appear to be glowing even and some people get darker and some people’s ass get bigger and so many other changes she went on to list. I was amazed at the new found knowledge and the pieces started coming together. I wished someone had told me all about it before I went on a spending splurge and spent hundreds of thousands of naira on my face. So if you are like me and you find yourself breaking out a lot more than usual (and you know it’s not yet time for your period) DO NOT panic or become sad like I was or spend a shit load of money on acne products and therapists. Just be patient it will clear out. My face is yet to clear out completely but I’ve noticed a positive change and its slowly reverting to its old ways.
- The guy is unable to last long during sex for the first few weeks. Girls don’t be disappointed if after remaining chaste for such a long time and you finally get married and have sex, your husband finishes under 5 minutes. And you start wondering is this it? Is this the thing that causes many marriages to break? Bear in mind that with time they get used to the sensation and learn to better control or delay the urge to release their seeds. For the guys all I will say is don’t choose to add selfishness to your weakness. If you’ve fully satisfied yourself find ways to also fully satisfy your wife. You don’t want to have intimate issues early on in your marriage.
- Sex is challenging. Pain aside when two inexperienced people try to lose their virginity and have sex it is ridiculously funny and difficult. I think it’s advantageous to the couple if the lady takes some time well before she gets married to examine what her vagina looks like. She may choose to sit and take a look through a mirror with a torch in hand or she may take pictures and delete when she is done learning what her intimate part looks like. It’s very important that the lady knows what her insides look like because she would most likely be the one that would have to guide the guy to the entrance of her vagina. I’ll advice that the guy should also read up about the different parts of a woman’s vagina before the first night. I’m saying this because you both don’t want to spend 30 minutes trying to locate the entrance of the vagina or make use of the traditional hit or miss method which takes an equal amount of time.
- Mood lighteners and creativity is key. Getting naked in front of someone for the first time is no easy task. In order to lighten the mood and to be comfortable in each others presence get creative! Buy some mood lights for the room or light some scented candles, have some nice sounds playing in the background, you guys may choose to slip in a bathing suit and have a make out session in the bathtub, share the towel and take it to the bedroom (what i’m trying to say is that your first time doesn’t always have to start from the bedroom). Take turns in giving each other massages, watch a romantic comedy and cuddle and let things flow from there. Although you guys will be thinking about it at the back of your minds, the word sex or the question ‘are we really going to do this?’ doesn’t have to be vividly painted on both your faces.
- Engage in foreplay. Foreplay was something I underestimated very much. I likened arousal to sexual attraction; it’s either there or not there, I never really valued the creation of one. I always felt the state of being aroused is something that just happens and overtakes you. Take for example sometimes when you are on your period, you find yourself feeling a bit horny all of a sudden in the absence of all other thought or sight that could trigger or stir such a feeling in you. I thought foreplay was just a waste of time and effort largely due to the fact that I personally don’t like being touched, carried or caressed like some cat; it gives me the wrong kind of goosebumps. However, little things like cuddling can stir some emotions in you that can be built up. If we are alike in the sense that you don’t like being touched you will learn that touches disguised as ‘massages’ could pass for you. Dancing whilst your bodies are grinding could also pass for you. Foreplay takes many forms and the great thing is you and your spouse have many chances to explore the different options that there are.
- Communication is synonymous with pleasure. Ladies the painful truth is you are not always going to reach your climax during sex. I’ve heard about a lot of women that fake reaching a climax and a few that have never even experienced it before. Sex should be an enjoyable experience for both parties and when one person isn’t being satisfied it could prove to be a serious problem but it doesn’t have to be if you make sure to communicate with your partner during your intimate moments. Ladies don’t be shy or silent about the things you like or want to try. Likewise if you don’t like something let him know from the onset. Don’t bottle the emotions or your concerns in and don’t form the habit of always responding you are good or you enjoyed it when you didn’t.
There is so much more I would like to say but I think there is beauty in discovering some of these things yourself. I hope you’ve learned something from this and I wish you and your partner a blissful marriage ahead.
Ma Salam! x